Have you ever been so overcome with sorrow, disappointment or distress over experiencing a significant loss? Have you been burdened with keeping up a facade of "being fine" as though there isn’t a feeling of emptiness in your life? Perhaps you go on, confronted with the fact that the world continues to move on, despite the fact that it has lost an irreplaceable soul? If you’ve experienced any of these things, you may be familiar with grief. It often appears when we experience the loss of someone we loved or something that we truly valued.
What We Grieve Over…
Grief is most commonly associated with the loss of a loved one – a child, parent, partner, family member or close friend. However, grief can extend to pets, beloved family homes, our health, unfulfilled hopes and desires, loss of friendship/trust or anything we once found precious or valuable to us. We can experience this deep disappointment and loss without realising it.
There's also more to grief than meets the eye. This includes what we grieve over, how much we grieve or don't grieve and the feelings that accompany (or overshadow) grief to make it appear as another issue altogether. There are many feelings that can accompany grief such as shock, denial, anger, guilt, regret or unforgiveness. It may be helpful to work through some of these other feelings and issues that arise. Some people even suffer guilt for not feeling enough grief.
There is no set timeframe or measure for grief. Each person will have their own individual experience of grief dependent on many factors, particularly their personal connection to what they have lost. It’s helpful not to judge another person’s grief based on an assumption of how they ‘should’ feel especially when it appears to be the ‘same’ type of loss. It is however, helpful to remember that each individual’s experience of loss is based on a lifetime of experiences and connections.
Why we get stuck in grief?
There are many reasons we get stuck in grief. Often, we are trying to reconcile and understand so that we can get closure. This can find us asking the big ‘why’ questions so our heart can find rest.
There is also often an element of avoidance. When we avoid dealing with our deeply disappointing, painful or shocking experiences, we increase our pain and prevent ourselves from finding closure. It may be worth asking yourself, is it grief that I can’t bear to feel or is it feeling weak, powerless, disappointed, vulnerable or abandoned?
If we lose a loved one, there can also be a sense of not wanting to let go of the memory we have of them, or feel like it’s somehow dishonouring their memory by not holding onto a deep sense of grief. In these moments, it might be helpful to ask yourself - would they truly want me to be frozen in this state of grief instead of enjoying the moments of finite life that I have?
What grieving unhealthily can look like…
When we grieve unhealthily, it often means we're holding on instead of letting go - we try to 'control' instead of accepting and moving forward... Some of the toxic responses to grief include refusing to accept what has happened (denial), laying blame on ourselves and others (guilt and shame), or remaining in unforgiveness and holding on to anger, resentment and bitterness (poisoning our own soul).
We remind ourselves of our personal loss and we can also get stuck in victim-thinking or using our 'loss' to benefit ourselves in some way. However, when we learn to grieve healthily, the rawness of pain becomes manageable. Even the feelings of "I'll never get over" or "I'll always feel this pain" reduce over time. So, let’s look at some ways to healthily deal with grief in order to let go with acceptance, hold on with gratitude and look to the future with hope.
How to Grieve Healthily…
Grief is a process, but we can get stuck in a number of different areas. There is no step-by-step or clearly defined process by which you can heal grief. As it is more of an organic process, with many variables, we must be patient with ourselves and others. Acceptance and closure take time, but what you need more than ‘time’ to pass - is for new insights to rest deeply in your heart. Let’s briefly take a look at a few ways we can healthily walk through this process:
Acknowledge: Write and talk about it
This could look like journalling, talking it through with someone trustworthy, joining a supportive online chat group, a local community group or a counsellor. Whether it’s a few words or a mini novel, noting and talking about the things you’re feeling helps to process them. It reduces the weight and invites you to explore your perception, which can help you forward once you’ve “got it out”. We’re also much better at evaluating our state from an externalised perspective, and this is one of the significant benefits of writing.
Just be – Let it be messy – it’s ok.
Cry if you need to, show emotion or ask for help. None of these are a sign of weakness. It’s important not to ‘bottle up’ or push away the emotions you feel, so allow yourself the space to feel them, and be patient with yourself as you experience these - let them flow - and let them go. Just make sure you’re not sacrificing the things you need to do - like eat, shower, work and spend time with people you appreciate - to remain in a feeling because this is where we can get stuck and stop living.
Pain is not the Plan – Redefine your concept of ‘pain’ to ‘invitation.’
Suffering turns to new life and growth. After every bushfire, a barren blackened land lies before us, but new life springs from the ashes, and these ashes fertilise the new life that comes after the fire. Pain is truthfully your invitation to grow, to overcome, to see value, to build resilience, to recognise what truly matters in life and much more. Yet you cannot learn to value what truly matters without first experiencing loss or going without. Be encouraged to look for the goodness yet to come (or that already has come), and ask yourself “How can I grow from this, or help others to?”
Acceptance – Accept what is gone by recognising the good.
We are designed to value and find meaning through various painful experiences in life. It may be painful now, but the goodness, life and beauty that you experienced - has been a true gift… and will continue to be a gift if you choose to carry with you and live out the goodness, life, wisdom and beauty that you valued so much. When going on your way about your day and sadness jumps out at random, don’t be disheartened - recognise the goodness, the beauty and the life - be thankful for such a gift. Whatever you dwell on grows - if you dwell on loss only despair ensues, but if you dwell on the good that you (and perhaps others) experienced, your hope and happiness will increase.
Memorial – Honouring one that has passed on.
To honour a loved one that has passed on, we can celebrate their life, character, gifts, achievements and all the good that came from their existence. When you recognise these you can choose to live in honour of these good and beautiful things. Perhaps their character and actions inspired you, how can you continue to live this out in honour of their memory? Perhaps they were extremely passionate about something and it’s a cause you can continue to support? Perhaps their presence was blessing enough - know that your presence can be as much of a blessing to others. Live in honour of the goodness, lessons, wisdom and experiences you valued, and they will continue to live on in your intentions.
Hope for the future – Looking to the future with bright hope!
Loss is not the invitation to reality that we want - but it is an essential one. It helps us to remember that life is precious, relationships have eternal value - as does your soul. You have a purpose in life and you have limited time. So what will you make of this? Death is an opportunity to re-evaluate what truly matters in life. It invites us to contemplate the preciousness of living and the limited time that we are gifted. What really matters now? What conflicts do you need to reconcile within your heart or with others? What do you want others to say about you when you die? What will be your epitaph?
Death invites us to shed that which is not eternally valuable, what is shallow, prideful, superficial, material and essentially not-essential! How has death helped you to see your life more clearly… and more importantly what are you doing to do about it?
Community – Let loneliness re connect you to others.
It's important to recognise that you're not the only one suffering. Your grief might feel way more significant, but it’s not helpful to compare. Perhaps look for the people around you that are also hurting and be there for them. Loneliness is your invitation to reconnect with others in person or via support groups. Don’t waste your sorrow by being alone.
Regret & Guilt – The weight that finds closure through forgiveness.
You don’t need to sit in your failures, punishing yourself doesn’t help you to learn from your mistakes, it only erodes your self-respect. Allow your mistakes and royal-mess-ups to initiate personal growth. Learn what set you up for failure - by identifying “what beliefs or assumptions led me to make this mistake?”
Consider “what could I have done differently?”
Answer for yourself - If I were to face the same temptation, the same assumption, the same selfishness, the same thought or belief that led me astray last-time...
“What will I do instead next time?”
You are no longer that person, when you remorsefully reject the error and commit to a new way forward. Remember “only hindsight could teach me what I know now and I can forgive myself, knowing that I am not the same person”.
Out of your Control – It’s simply out of your control and that’s okay.
Life is not going to be easy, simple or enjoyable all the time and we simply cannot choose whether or not we suffer in life… But every person suffers in some way shape or form. Our best response is to be accepting of what is outside of our control, what we cannot change and recognise what we can control, influence and change - first and foremost in ourselves. When life takes with one hand, always remember that God gives with another.
Unhelpful “Help” – When other’s help just makes things worse.
Be thankful, even when others' help isn't helpful. They've tried to help in their own individual (probably inexperienced way) and it's enough to show that they care and that is actually what matters. If they didn't care, they wouldn't offer their advice (whether helpful or not). Try to see their intention rather than their ‘unhelpfulness’. This is something not to become resentful about, but to be thankful for. Recognise that they just don't know how to help, they don’t know what you need or what you're going through, but they have tried and that's a whole lot better than doing nothing.
Helping others – Finding others you can help.
Through hardship you gain experience, compassion and understanding. The value of being able to walk alongside another person going through pain that you understand and have survived, can never be overvalued. You can speak to them on a level that others cannot. There is a beautiful book that I’d highly recommend you read, it’s called The Purpose Driven Life, written by Rick Warren.
Reconcile – Find the answers you need.
At a deep level, our hearts seek to understand the purpose and meaning of our painful experiences. We need answers to understand 'why' and garner meaning for our lives, to know how to handle it and grow from the experience. When significant, 'life' defining, and existential questions arise - seek the answers to your deep questions, until you find them...
We often ask "Why this?" and "Why that?"
"Why must I suffer?" - well perhaps a better questions is - "As everyone suffers loss at some point- why would I be exempt from this?"
In response to the question "If God* (*see below) is so loving, why does he allow this?" I offer some personal thoughts, questions and comforts that have come to me as I have grappled with loss and enough pain to despair of life itself.
*(God)If you don't personally believe in the existence of God, please feel free to read on and as you read 'God' replace it with Good Orderly Design, this will ensure you don't miss out on what you may yet gain from continuing to explore this post.
In part, life has natural consequences - we are given the freedom to choose what we do, no matter if there is risk or potential threat to life involved (although we never seem to expect it). As a result of this freedom - we are naturally exposed to the consequences of putting ourselves in potential risk - however living life always involves some risk. We often just assume that it won't happen to us or our loved ones until it does. Yet perhaps a life well lived, involves risk and freedom. Perhaps God allows us such freedom - so that we can truly live life with free-will. Isn't it worth the price?
In part, life has a natural circle of birth and death - we are born-we are gifted life-we pass into eternal life. It is a part of all our lives - to die a death on earth, yet the comfort in this is that the soul is imperishable - and we live on. We often live under this strange assumption that 'life will just go on' until the reality of death rudely awakes us - Yet death is as natural as being born - why should we no celebrate the gift that a life has brought, just as much as we celebrate a new life coming into the world? Perhaps the shift in our perception of death is needed - What a gift that life is - and in response how must we treat each life as precious?
In part, we are also here for purpose - if that has been fulfilled, some are taken home to Heaven earlier than we would have wanted. Yet as they are in Heaven why do we grieve for them - they are dwelling in the abounding love of God's presence, they lack nothing, they do not suffer and they certainly are not "missing out". It is we who miss out - so who do we grieve for? (Often our grief is for ourselves - our own sense of loss). A shift of focus - Perhaps if we were to focus on how 'they feel' we would be far more accepting, knowing that they are indeed free, at peace, they do not feel pain or worry, they are forever at ease in the loving presence of their Creator. There is no greater joy, no deeper peace no higher sense of pure goodness and freedom, than being in the presence of the One who makes you complete. The love of God fulfills your soul and your every deepest need, to such a degree that you never wish to leave. Every part of you that has ever felt need, or pain, or insecurity, or danger or fear - every deep and unknown part of you feels absolutely complete - filled to the brim and overflowing with joy, awe, admiration and praise... It is difficult to describe this state in words - everytime I try to share this (what God has shown me of His presence and character), words just pale in comparison, it's like trying to describe the rainbow with a black crayon.
To be in the presence of your Creator, the one who loves you more than you can fathom - is all you will ever need, and when you experience this - you will understand what I mean. :)
Let truth guide your way…
When the mind is despairing, feeding you lies, giving up all hope, stuck in grief, or the heart overlays past painful memories on the present (which leaves you re-live the pain repeatedly). As this hijacks your ability to understand the present situation for remember what it actually is, practice coaching yourself through the painful weight of loss and disappointment back to a hopeful reality. We always need truth to guide us and restore our perspective. It is only Truth that can dispel the lies that keep us held down. One way to do this, is to use truthful reassurances to help you find your way through disappointment and loss.
Here are a few examples… Which ones do you need to adopt today?
1. "Getting used to feelings of disappointment, loss or powerlessness is an essential part of life and growth, without it we will never build courage, confidence or resilience."
2. "If who I am or who I wanted to be was tied to what I've "lost", did I just put my own worth or my future in the wrong things/hands? My true worth and the value of my future can't be taken away so easily.”
3. "The challenge here is to learn how to coach myself through the feeling I hate the most: whether powerless, despair, abandonment or disappointment.
4. "I don't want to live in a state of disappointment, so every time my mind or heart reminds me of pain or loss, I'm going to respond with 3 things I'm truly thankful for."
5. "Who am I neglecting that needs me, while I'm busy focusing on my own loss?"
6. Feeling "nothing" or "empty" is my heart's invitation to stir up a log fire of gratitude, pour a glass of appreciation and take the weight off those feet (and my heart) in the arms of the love of God my Creator.
Loss is something that will touch the life of almost everyone. How you accept and handle that loss will impact the quality of your life. If you or someone you know are struggling in this area, you are welcome to book in a one-on-one counselling session, or get in touch and request a copy of my Good Grief: Handling Loss & Disappointment Healthily Workbook, which dives much deeper into this topic providing information, guided questions and a full list of truthful reassurances as you walk through this process.
With love (and virtual hug), :)
Helen Kelder
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