It's always a pleasure visiting the Sonshine FM studios! Today I sat down with the lovely Johanne Pillay, on live radio to share some encouragement in "Healing Broken Trust in Relationships".
Whether your trust has been broken or you've been the one to let someone you love down, I've drawn together a range of insights and helpful advice to equip you as you venture through this difficult period.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and when this fractures you can find your connection in disarray, stumbling to find stable ground again. It's important to know that even though it may feel impossible, Trust can be rebuilt, and a relationship is only ever as strong as the challenges it grows through.
By taking up this opportunity for growth, self-improvement and healing. You can rebuild your sense of self and create a stronger foundation for your present and future relationships.
I hope you find this personally beneficial, and if you'd like to listen to the podcast, here's a link! https://www.sonshine.com.au/shows/table-talk-with-jo/
1. What are some common signs that trust has been broken in a relationship, and how can we recognise them?
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and when it’s broken there can be subtle but significant signs.
Common signs of broken trust include:
Emotional distance - not sharing thoughts and feelings as you once did.
Avoidance of meaningful conversations and transparent communication.
Defensiveness when you try to discuss minor things which leads to another sign - frequent arguments over trivial issues. ie. suddenly you’re arguing over the dishes or housework... with both of you getting disproportionately upset over small matters.
There can also be a general sense of unease you’re not sharing a relaxed at-ease state of being around each other anymore, it’s like there’s
and it’s even possible for anxiety to arise.
You might notice changes in behaviour, such as avoiding eye contact or being overly critical. Recognising these signs involves paying attention to shifts in communication patterns, emotional availability, and overall behaviour.
Trust is the glue in relationships—if it breaks, things fracture in all the wrong ways.
2. How does broken trust affect our emotional and mental well-being? Are there consequences if this is left unaddressed?
Broken trust results in a significant sense of loss, which is deeply painful and distressing.
Your emotional and mental health is impacted in a number of ways and you can experience a range of feelings including betrayal, fear, depression or anxiety.
The person who feels betrayed often also experiences a loss of confidence, self-doubt, lower self-esteem and difficulty trusting others in the future.
Q2. There are definitely negative consequences if broken trust is left unaddressed... these feelings can fester, leaving resentment in your heart - even hatred. In the worst of cases it leads to chronic stress (which is like living in fear).
If you hold onto resentment, your heart becomes bitter over time -eventually you can become so hard-hearted that you refuse to trust at all. So it is like poison to your mental health because we are designed to live in relationship with others - it is a essential part of living healthily and what truly matters in life.
Unresolved broken trust leads to long-term emotional detachment or the eventual breakdown of the relationship itself. So addressing broken trust is absolutely crucial for healing and moving forward.
This also has significant impacts on our physical health, because every cell in your body responds to what is going on in your mind. Just like the placebo effect by the power of the mind can heal - so too is the toxic effect of bitterness to your physical health.
3. How do our past experiences and trauma impact our ability to trust others?
Past experiences, inform our perception of who is and isn’t trustworthy. It really depends on what you’ve experienced in life so far - as to how you apply trust and who you don’t trust.
Past experiences involving betrayal or trauma, have a significant impact on your ability to trust.
If you’ve been significantly hurt in the past - whether physically, emotionally or psychologically, or made to feel in serious danger - you develop a protective mechanism to prevent this in future, this can make it extremely hard to trust others.
This can also manifest as hypervigilance, where you’re in a constant state of awareness - looking for signs of betrayal.
Trauma leaves deeply held fears of being hurt again, which makes it very difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable, open up again or build new relationships.
Trauma can leave you thinking that “trust could never be restored”. But with therapy you can start to disarm that internal security system that is actually keeping you imprisoned from open, authentic and healing relationships.
So it’s really important to overcome past trauma - it starts with self-awareness, is easier with therapy, and takes time to rebuild a sense of safety and trust.
4. When we talk about broken trust between couples, what role do you think communication and accountability play in healing that trust?
Communication and accountability are absolutely crucial!!!
In therapy, healing broken trust in couples begins with opening up the channels of communication - and really listening to eachother.
Often there’s a back-log of hurt that needs to be voiced. So each person REALLY needs to listen and be willing to understand the other’s perspective.
It’s an extremely vulnerable space and that’s why it’s so helpful to have a trained counsellor to lead and facilitate the conversation - It also helps prevent arguments from escalating when because there’s a referee to call “time out” and turn the conflict into a closer relationship.
Open and honest communication allows both parties to express their feelings, and understand eachother much better.
Accountability is essential in restoring trust - the party who has broken trust must take responsibility for their actions, show genuine remorse, and commit to changing.
Without these elements, healing is unlikely to occur. Effective communication rebuilds the connection, while accountability reassures the other person that the behaviour won’t be repeated. Together, these create a foundation for rebuilding trust and building a stronger relationship.
5. How important is reconciliation after trust is broken? How can we differentiate between forgiveness and reconciliation?
Reconciliation is important BUT isn’t always necessary after trust is broken. It really depends on the individuals and the context.
Forgiveness involves the internal process where you release and let go of resentment, which can occur even if the relationship doesn’t continue.
Forgiving someone can happen without reconciliation, and this allows a person to move on without continuing the relationship.
This is especially true for victims of trauma, finding the insight and state of heart to forgive can be found without necessarily wanting to invite that person back into your life.
Reconciliation, on the other hand, involves restoring the relationship.
Reconciliation really matters when both people want to restore the relationship... But it takes a lot more than saying “sorry” and “I forgive you”. Both people to work towards rebuilding trust.
6. What are some practical tips that you would recommend for rebuilding trust?
Rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort...
It has to start with open -honest communication.
Both parties need to express their feelings and thoughts then (judgement aside) seek to understand the other person’s perspective.
Transparency and consistency in actions are key; trust is rebuilt through small, everyday actions that demonstrate reliability and integrity.
Patience is essential because rebuilding trust is a gradual process that requires time and dedication from both sides.
A new agreement needs to be made. on HOW trust can be re-gained.
Couples often get stuck here, if they didn’t already get stuck in the communication step.
It’s actually difficult to know what you need to ask for (sometimes you don’t know that you can ask for it, or you’re afraid to voice it). However it’s crucial to establish clear boundaries and expectations moving forward.
(For more tips - keep reading...)
7. What are some common pitfalls or mistakes people make when trying to heal broken trust, and how can we avoid them?
The first that comes to mind is fusing forgiveness with trust. Just because you forgive someone, does not mean you automatically trust them.
Forgiveness is given, BUT trust is earned. (otherwise it’s naïve trust and that will just throw you into all sorts of other trouble in life).
Trust needs to be recognised on it’s own merit - and independently earned.
Falling into the same pit again - if we don’t identify what specific causes (whether emotional pressures, external influences, circumstances, thoughts or assumptions) led to the mistake in the first place, there’s no guarantee it won’t happen again.
Another is not having an agreement, an agreement of “how we move forward” is essential, this needs to include restoring connection in the relationship (and speaking each-others love languages), the terms for regaining trust (ie. an open phone policy, transparency of when, where and who you’re with, quitting something). A commitment to being patient while changes are made (new habits are difficult to form) and a willingness to trust when signs of change are evidenced.
Another mistake to avoid... is avoiding difficult conversations out of fear of conflict.
Other common pitfalls include rushing the healing process, minimising the impact of the events that unfolded. People often make the mistake of expecting immediate forgiveness or trying to “fix” things without fully understanding the hurt caused.
To avoid these pitfalls, it’s essential to be patient, acknowledge each other's feelings, and engage in open, honest communication. Address the root causes of the breach and commit to gradual, sustained effort in rebuilding trust.
Trust cannot be forced; it must be earned over time.
8. What's the importance of self-reflection and understanding trust, and how can we personally grow through these?
Self-reflection and understanding trust are vital...
Self-reflection helps individuals to recognise their role in the situation, identify destructive behaviours and underlying issues for example insecurity, and unmet need or fear.
Gaining wisdom about trust, who to trust and who not to - is an essential life skill for everyone.
If you’ve been through neglect, harm, a dysfunctional up-bringing or trauma, your experiences will have taught you to “not to trust” so it’s really important to seek wisdom on how to develop Wise Trust.
By taking up the opportunity for self-improvement and healing, you can rebuild your sense of self and create a stronger foundation for future relationships.
If you don’t... you may just end up walking around with a limp - because your heart will always need to find healing.
Self-reflection and personal growth are like those vegetables you know you should eat - maybe not the most fun, but absolutely essential. They help you understand your role in the trust breakdown, even if you’d rather blame it all on others or your circumstances.
Prioritising growth and healing means taking responsibility for your future, and whether it’s journaling, therapy, or finally opening up about how you feel (instead of downing a bucket of ice-cream) do it.
Do something, because seeking personal growth can help you avoid repeating the same mistakes, and you’ll be bale to create healthier relationships in future.
9. What message of hope and encouragement would you offer those struggling with broken trust in their relationships?
Healing from broken trust is challenging, but it’s possible with time, effort, and commitment.
Remember that trust can be rebuilt, and relationships can emerge stronger after working through these challenges.
It’s important to acknowledge all the areas a person who has let you down is trustworthy in - instead of focusing on the one area they have been untrustworthy in.
Focusing on another’s faults is a really great way to ruin your relationship altogether.
No one is 100% trustworthy, and no one is 100% untrustworthy so we’ve got to be wiser than this black and white viewpoint.
It’s really important to allow yourself to be vulnerable in sharing your perspective and how you feel. It’s no good shutting down when what you actually need is open communication.
Be patient! Allow yourself and the other the space to heal and grow.
Focus on opening up communication, having empathy, and finding a mutual understanding.
Be patient with the process, and don’t be afraid to seek help if needed. Rebuilding trust requires both parties to be invested in the relationship’s future, and with dedication, a renewed sense of connection and trust is attainable.
Focus on communication, empathy, and mutual understanding, and give yourselves the grace to grow.
Trust can be rebuilt, and a relationship is only ever as strong as the challenges it grows through.
It’s not over for trust or relationships where you let the grace for God in - I’ve seen terrible traumatic situations turned into miraculous healing.
There is no space that God cannot heal you - if you just let Him in.
Pray about it - because He cares for you and it is in His purpose for your life to find healing in relationships and be an instrument of change.
I hope you've enjoyed this discussion. If you would like a really good resource on trust I can email this to you, and of course if you have any feedback or further questions about this topic, please feel free to get in touch! :)
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